why i ‘love’ my media

Love isn’t actually the word i would use to talk about my media..

sure media is great, it lets us communicate with our loved ones, meet new people, and share funny memes (my personal favorite use of media) but media has also made me struggle more than i thought i would when it came to self image. being a kid i was always skinny and told “eat more” or “you’re all bones” until i was a teenager and experienced a loss i never thought i would, i fell into depression and started eating away all my feelings. i was unhealthy mentally and physically i tried everything to cope with my feelings but the only thing that seemed to work was food. whether it was a bag of chips or a whole large pizza i would always feel a sense of comfort when my mouth and stomach were full which caused me to gain a tremendous amount of weight which then lead to me being bullied which made me depressed and eat more and then gain more weight, a vicious cycle for a 13 year old. this habit carried on until i was 16 and realized i was slowly eating myself away and decided to lose 45 kg but no matter how much weight i lost i was never truly happy, id log onto instagram and see a bikini picture of Kylie Jenner on my feed hundreds of comments flooding the heart eyes emoji if she could do it so can i.. right?

so i got into my favorite swimsuit black with cherries, and it took hours but i finally found the one i wanted to post, my finger trembling i clicked post. that was it. it was done. i switched off my phone read a book and ended up falling asleep, i woke up the next morning to my whole school reposting an edited photo of my bikini picture right next to a picture of a whale, my heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces as i saw stories and stories of myself and comments of me being laughed at i ended up deleting the post but it was already too late i was now ‘the whale girl’

it was engraved onto me.

it went away after a long while but no matter what ill always remember it.

and i never saw media the same way after.

Published by deuzemedialife

Mediastudies, University of Amsterdam

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