Sometimes I think about breaking us up, but every time I do, I get sucked back in. Because how could I live without him? How could I live without his entertainment? Without his comfort? The belly laughs and the validation? He keeps me connected and makes sure I never have to miss anything. He makes me cry. Happy tears. Sad tears. He makes me feel special. He is there for me – even when no one else is. I need him.
And yet he is constantly begging for my attention. Ping. Ping. Ping. He is so distracting. Is he even authentic? Telling the truth? Or am I being manipulated for attention? An ever-shortening attention span. He makes me feel isolated from the rest of the world. He makes me worried and induces my anxiety. He makes me question my worth and if I’m doing enough. He makes me feel inadequate. Like failure is not allowed.
And yet I can’t go without him. Because if I did, I would be the only one. Unable to receive the benefits of our relationship while continually being confronted with his presence. I would be an outsider. And he’s my ticket in.
Ping. He lets me know Netflix has added a new season of my favourite show. And I am back in. Forgetting all the negatives until it becomes too much, and the cycle begins again.