Why do I love media? For me, media has always held a love hate relationship in my heart, specifically social media apps. I feel as though the relationship I hold with these apps, in this case Instagram, is a deeper representation of my relationship with myself, how I see myself and how I feel about certain things.
I love using Instagram and I hate that.
I hate that I love this app.
I hate that I love getting likes and comments from people on my posts.
I hate that I love how It feels when I get a new follower and I hate that I rely on my follower count to feel beautiful and valued.
I hate that I feel the need to compare myself to others on the app, yet I can’t quite find the strength to stop doing it. It’s almost a good feeling to start to hate the way I look. It’s like getting suck in this realm of doing something I know I shouldn’t do. It’s a bittersweet feeling because it’s makes me feel like shit afterwards, yet it’s still beautifully addictive.
I hate that I feel the need to “reinvent” myself through different aesthetics and that I beat myself up for not maintaining these ideas about myself through every sector of my life, even what I sleep in.
Yet I love doing this.
I love hating on these things, yet I keep doing them. It’s this hypocrisy that keeps me going back to the app. This love hate relationship, almost as strong, powerful and compelling as going back to a toxic relationship over and over again. It’s like pulling away from the one who keeps hurting you, yet you continuously go back because you love the feeling of the pain they bring you. And you know how horrible it is to keep going back, yet you can’t stop yourself.
I hate that I need to feel the validation this app brings me, yet I love the validation.
I hate that I won’t believe my boyfriend when he says I look pretty but I’ll believe random people on the internet, yet I love the justification they bring me.
I hate that I can’t delete this section of my life, I hate how toxic it is, I hate what it does to me, yet I love it. I love this sickening double-edge sword.
I hate social media, I hate instagram, yet I love it. And I hate that I don’t know what to do about it.