Melancholy

It is very hard to remember things for me, it has always been. I don’t recall a single time where recalling was not a struggle of mine: the teacher asking me to recall the discovery of America, my mom prying to know whom I met yesterday, my therapist questioning why I felt sad last week. And all I can answer is: I do not remember. And every time I try to, my mind spirals, seeks for answers, goes back to the beginning and then again: nothing. I am not able to tell whether growing in a digital age influenced my memory; maybe the continous stimuli did. Getting lost in loopholes that made me forget what I was looking for in the first place probably does not help. However, it did help in a way. Yesterday I opened my camera roll to delete pictures, and I found some that I did not remember taking. I did not remember the context, barely talk anymore to the people I was in that picture with, could not even recognize the place. But we were looking at each other and we were happy. I observed the picture for ten minutes, trying to understand where it was taken and why. I tortured myself and scolded my brain for being so forgetful: you were there – how can you not remember! And you were so happy! And then it clicked. It is not important for me to remember what I was doing in that moment, my mind was never made to elaborate long moments. But the fragment of authentic happiness I saw on our faces made me reminisce the feeling of pure joy. Media helped me to remember that some feelings are unique – they will come in different shares and forms, and you will not remember them anymore. In a few years, I will not remember writing this. But I will be reminded of how I felt in this exact moment, which will never be replicated again. To the future me, please do not hate media: it will paradoxically help you remember you are human. You felt and you will feel. You were happy in that picture.

Published by Media Love

Website dedicated to the Media Love project of Mark Deuze, Professor of Media Studies, University of Amsterdam (The Netherlands).

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