_|_ / <3

I want to show a middle finger to media. Sometimes.

I hate the way it makes me feel. Like I am falsely in control of it. Like it gives me the illusion of being in command. But I eventually realise the obsession and attachment I hold for it are growing day by day. Can it get any worse? Is there a turning point that once I cross I will not be able to go back? Or have I already crossed it? I believe most of us have.

I hate it because I love it. 

My media gives me comfort. I am more than familiar with it. I know its algorithm and know how it works. I always feel welcome and consider it a personal safe-space.

My media has helped me grow. It has put me in the darkest of places by helping negative thoughts flourish in my brain. But it also accompanied me in overcoming them. It shows me who I am and who I can become. 

It has connected me with people from all around the world just like the neurons of a giant brain. But it can sometimes trigger my sense of loneliness.

My enemy, my friend. Back and forth.

The thought of feeling comfortable living with this strong attachment I have only increases my anxiety. I don’t adore how being dependant make me feel. Just the feeling of being in control. But maybe nowadays this feeling is just an illusion. Nothing more. 

Because looking around I realise everyone is dependant on everything. 

I do want to show a middle finger to my media. Also to myself. 

But I also don’t want to flip off the thing that provides me with the comfort needed. That increases my loneliness, but in the meantime helps me cope with it. That feels cold and performative at times, but also warm and welcoming. 

Maybe the real contradiction is not in my media, but rather in me.

just a thought

Student number: 13996347

Published by deuzemedialife

Mediastudies, University of Amsterdam

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